Rotogram - Vol. 110, No. 32 (Feb. 03, 2026)

No 4 way test started this meeting of Rotary. No patriotic song. No special music.

There’s a dark side to Rotary that we rarely talk about. I took the opportunity of Thursday’s social at the Irish Pub to ask Rotarians and guests

a simple question. It’s 2 a.m. on Saturday night and you’re in big trouble. Like, the biggest trouble you can imagine. You need help. Who would you call that would show up for you at 2 a.m., ask no questions and do whatever was necessary to get you out of a jam. I did limit the responses to “no spouses”. We all know they’re going to ask a million questions, first one being, “What were you thinking?” They can be pretty judgy too, especially on Saturday night at 2 a.m., when time isn’t on your side. This is no time for a Lucy and Ricky session on righteousness.

The answers included (I’m only using first names for plausible deniability reasons):

Chris: my neighbor Dave. He has jumper cables and knows how to use them in a million ways.
Susan: in less than a tenth of a second, the answer was Lisa S. I’ve got a feeling Susan’s faced the 2 a.m. fact pattern and answered this question in real time, possibly on multiple occasions.
Tom (visiting Rotarian from Jackson): I know this shady guy, he works at Jackson prison. He’s pretty handy in a pinch.
Audrey (guest of a fixer named Rocco): my mom (oh,…, how sweet), she’s about to be president of Mason Rotary and she’s seen some things.
Thelma and Louise, aka, two coquettish bankers: without hesitation they pointed at each other. I’ve got a feeling they’re the type to go to a White Lotus Resort during a hurricane, witness a murder and come back saying it was the best vacation ever!
Jim: he said Roland Rhead (interesting choice, he’s my former partner and has been dead for more than 10 years) or John, a retired cop who he shares a “hunting cabin” in Canada with. Anybody who has a their own remote lair North of the bridge is inherently suss.
Lisa: tie for first place between Susan and Lolo (no last names, remember?), but you know, Lolo’s kind of busy (even at 2 a.m.?). Again, the speed with which the answer came was my first clue that this was not the first time a question of this sort had to be answered by this Rotarian trio.
Chris: Chris was more than mildly indecisive. He was unable to think of anybody and honestly, I think he struggled with the concept of being in trouble. But I can’t believe that to be true, I mean, he’s in a leadership role! This, to me, was perhaps the most disconcerting response of the evening, possibly bordering on disingenuous. “We are men of action. Lies do not become us.” (Princess Bride, 1987). I had to come back to Chris to get an answer. Eventually, he responded with “Bobby and Michael.” To which I responded, “A most excellent choice, but you know those two are going to ask a million questions.”
Rocco (the fixer, see par. 4): “I didn’t think we were going to talk about work tonight. Isn’t this supposed to be a social?”
Todd: I’d call my brother. I asked for clarification, “Why?” Response: “His best skill is that he doesn’t ask questions.”
Cathy: She lawyered up faster than a pimp at a convention.
Doug: Any one of my four brothers. They all have experience in this sort of thing.
Joseph: my nephew, quiet kid, doesn’t talk much, good at keeping secrets and he does stuff nobody knows about. Linda: another one who lawyered up. I think there’s a misconception about what defense lawyers do. We don’t get our hands dirty. We hold the dirty hands of people we represent, we get paid, our clients go to jail and miraculously our hands don’t get dirty. I asked if she had anybody else and she said she’d probably call her sister but she’s prone to asking questions and likely to be fairly useless in this type of situation. Truth!
Hari: my son, because he loves me. Awwww.
Bill: Been there, done that and I know the answer to this question: my first year college roommate. He may not show up, but he’d send his parents and I know they’d have my back. They done it before. It was the been there done that answer to the question that surprised me.
John: Robin because she knows how crazy I am, won’t ask any questions and she knows where I keep my stash in case I have to make a run for it.
Ken (guest from Jxn Rotary): I’d call my dad. At two a.m., you can’t always get the best person for the job or even the right person for the job, so you go with who’s available and who’s going to show up. I know he’d be available. I know he’d show up.
Melissa (guest from Jxn Rotary): I don’t call people, people call me. I can fix this.
Craig: I’ve got kids. Like, a lot of them. Their names aren’t important. They’ve got mad skills, but that’s not important. We’re not concerned with what they do for day jobs. They’re good at saying, “these aren’t the drones you’re looking for.” For a moment I thought I was in a Star Wars reboot talking to Obi Wan Kenobi. And then, he dropped this on me: But they all know what a compost heap will do to a body. A coldness entered the room and it wasn’t coming from the door. The lights flickered and I knew, this guy probably has a pole barn, back hoe and a large field with some woods in the back. He’s on my short list.

I just ask the questions and report the answers. I don’t even have to be that creative or funny. These are your answers! Other than an adjective here and there, no enhancements from me. If you get a call from me at 2 a.m. on a Saturday, you’ll know how I’d answer the question (a Rotarian with experience pulling teeth, Kurt Guter and Grangers, nuff said). This is a fun ice breaker for the next wedding reception or funeral you attend, try it out and see how much fun you have and what you can learn about the people around you! Have a great week!

Email for Kevin Schumacher: schumacher@glassenrhead.com or phone 517-482-3800 if you need help :)