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President Lisa Smith called the June 10th, 2016 weekly Rotary Club of Lansing meeting to order at 12:37pm in our 2nd Floor home of the Lansing Center. Yes, we started a bit late due to a BWL substation glitch that affected much of downtown Lansing, i.e., “lights out.” Rumor has it that President Lisa pulled out all the stops and cashed in a favor owed her by BWL in a last-ditch effort to try and delay her out-going President’s Roast yet even further.
Fun was had by all…. In between gulps of our delicious chicken with rice and veggies meal, this Editarian fought back tears of laughter as well as tears of empathy for President Lisa as Chief Roaster, fellow Rotarian David Marvin paid homage in true attorney form…pummeling President Lisa like a witness on the stand, no place to run and no place to hide. David’s partner in crime Co-Chief Roaster was none other than fellow Rotarian Steve “Johnny B. Goode” Roznowski, a quick-study in the art of “badgering the witness” who shared in the assault and battery with simultaneous riffs from his electric guitar while singing out searing lyrics that dissected the true meaning of the “née Ho” portion of President Lisa’s formal name. In addition, Lansing Rotarian Kelly Rossman-McKinney sent her own special brand of roasted “Ho” zingers via video. More details to follow below….
Our meeting began as it always does with a heart-felt Prayer of Invocation, this one reflecting on the past year for the Rotary Club of Lansing under President’s Lisa’s leadership as we look forward to the coming year with the transfer of leadership to in-coming President Jack Davis. Thanks to our Invocator, Helen Mickens for sharing and leading us with her meaningful message of thanks and of hope.
Next, sounds of “American the Beautiful” filled our meeting room as the Rotary Club of Lansing paid its weekly tribute to this great nation of ours with a patriotic song.
Dave Trumpie helped fellow Rotarians introduce their guests, key among whom were President Lisa’s family, husband Ed and children Savannah and Mariya. Other guests included Rotarian Don Hines’ wife Jan Hines, President Lisa’s guest and prospective member Lisa McCormick from the Ingham County Prosecutor’s Office, and Stephanie Collier’s colleague and guest Taryn Hurley.
Sadly, the passing of Rotarian Joan Bauer’s husband, Doug Langham was announced by Maureen Hirten. Our deepest condolences to you and your family, Joan.
With the floor handed back to President Lisa, she announced that those still wanting a copy of our Club’s Centennial History Book are in luck as copies remain and would be at the entrance table waiting for pickup. As well, she reminded all that RSVPs are requested for our Club’s evening Centennial Celebration to be held at the Lansing Center the evening of Friday, June 17th from 6 to 9pm, with attire for that evening being cocktail attire (a step up from business attire?...). Or, be like me as I will be coming from a conference in my usual workday business suit and tie (think normal meeting attire) – and because I don’t have a lovely but less-than-flattering cocktail “dress” (dress?) like the one that reportedly Chief Editarian, Kevin Schumacher will be donning for this special event (did I hear that right???). A District-wide invitation for the Centennial Celebration is being sent out on June 11th.
Our Club’s very special and honored guest for our Thursday, June 23rd weekly meeting is 2015-16 Rotary International President K. R. Ravindran. Club members wanting to tour Impression5 beforehand should plan to meet there at 10:30am, after which all can proceed to the Lansing Center for our meeting scheduled to start a bit early at 12:15pm. Again, RSVPs are requested, especially if members are bringing guests.
President Lisa then turned the podium over to our Club’s Foundation Board President, Michelle Reynaert, who announced Courtney Millbrook as President-Elect and Melody Warzecha as Treasurer. New Board member nominees Mike Able, John Person, Kevin Schumacher and Diane Sanborn were announced next, followed by a Club vote which confirmed their membership on our Foundation Board.
This year’s Annual Golf Outing Chair, Michelle Lantz announced that the September 16th event would again be held at the Timber Ridge Golf Club in East Lansing. More details will follow in the months and meetings to come.
Before the meeting’s featured event, President Lisa’s Roast, it was noted that our Club’s Paul Harris donations were up in 2016 at $13,012.00, from $12,000 in 2015. And with that, and given no Special Music today, the Roast began….
Roasting extraordinaire, David Marvin started things off by referencing President Lisa’s hometown of Niles, Michigan…so small is Niles (“How small is it?...”), in fact, that the local Baskin-Robbins has 13 flavors instead of 31…and that only one McDonald’s golden arch, and not two, grace the Niles skyline.
Now before David got too wound up, he drew the Club’s attention to the overhead where Kelly Rossman-McKinney, “the Ho Hunter” appeared…a beautiful view of the Capitol in the background (I’m jealous, Kelly…how do I get an office like that?). Kelly proceeded to explain that despite not being able to attend the meeting in person, she was well-equipped to lay a barrage (dare I say “affectionately?”) of roastful nuggets upon President Lisa by explaining the Oxford Dictionary’s definition of “Ho” to us. The obvious one is, of course, “prostitute,” but Ho can also stand for the chemical equation for holmium (oh come on, Kelly, you can do better than that!). Add to this, we commonly say things like “heave-Ho,” “Ho-hum,” “tally-Ho,” “Hi-Ho – Hi-Ho, it’s Off to Work We Go” and “Ho, Ho, Ho!” (think Christmas). And let us not forget Don Ho J (I added this one myself). Oh, yes, Kelly reminded us that “Ho” is the opposite of “maiden.” And let us not forget that the Urban Dictionary has some more, some very, very much more, shall we say, deprecatory (look it up…it’s not good) meanings to define “Ho”…the triple “Ho” salute to those of the female persuasion, as it is better known. OK, we get it, Kelly…poor President Lisa…it was about this time that I really started to feel sorry for her (NOT!).
 About this time, Steve Roznowski was apologizing for his not being the kind of guy to roastingly insult such a nice person as our President Lisa (but you did a pretty good job of it, Steve!). The highlight of Steve’s hot handouts, and I must say they were really fun to listen to from a “music” point of view, began with him getting his electric guitar and “Ho”-rrifically rockin’ voice warmed up for a Gary Glitter version of the Hey Song (with “Ho” substituted,… you get the picture). This was followed by a really good version of “Lisa, Be a Good ‘Ho’,” or something like that, done to the tune of “Johnny B. Goode” … “Deep down in Michigana, close to Niles it seems, lived a girl named Lisa “Ho” among the evergreens….” (OK, I am making this up, but it went something like that). We were impressed, though, Steve…pretty good licks. I could have sworn that no Special Music was scheduled for the day!....
Steve continued to spew forth other roasted morsels of demoralizing scrutiny, like the fact that President Lisa was a member of several seemingly silly and useless committees: the Classification Committee; the Greeter Committee; the Hands-On Committee; and the Microphone & Lights Committee. He continued the onslaught with “her 10-years of perfect attendance – can you say “over-achiever?” Then our attention turned to husband Ed who became the vehicle of humorous underpinnings when Steve alluded to the fact that for an earlier meeting Ed had mislabeled a photo of Lisa and her sister, and asserted that Ed apologized by replying that “I’m sorry, but they all look the same to me” (really, Ed…or should I say “Really, Steve!”).
Did I mention Steve’s reference to President Lisa and husband Ed’s band?...something about the Backstreet Ho(e)s??? [I’m taking further creative license and am mentioning here the play on words David closed with – that to husband Ed, it is “Lease a” Ho…get it?, Lisa Ho? Lease-a Ho? This just fits better here, I think, than at the end of this report with all the good & mushy stuff.]
Then Steve got nicer - well a very, very little bit nicer – and admitted that he really should be politically correct as “Ho” is actually a Chinese name, and that actually Ho = Smith.
But, Steve, continued…in an even more positive vein, he noted that President Lisa “has a great sense of humor, is a great singer, dedicated, a wonderful wife and mother and a good person”…like that will really help salvage your friendship with her now, Steve!
OK, finally then, re-enter the Terminator (I said I’ll be back, and I’m back…) ”Deadpan Deadly” David Marvin. The roasting fire was hot, but it was about to get even hotter. David’s snarky reference to our Club’s annual Christmas Party meeting and the highly inappropriate Nutcracker battle scene, played our President Lisa as highly insensitive at such a holy and special time of year. And focusing quite a bit on President Lisa’s alleged difficulty with numbers and counting, i.e., having described the Rotary “Five-way Test” when handing a recent Club presenter a keepsake Rotary coin with the “Four-way Test” inscribed on it. David then proceeded to hand he a pizza-size replica of the Rotary coin to help her in the future. And President Lisa’s rumored problems with “4/4 time,” and allegedly speaking of working hard “eight (8) days a week” (no, and not in reference to the Beatles song of the same name).
Regarding the number and counting thing, David, President Lisa should really feel indebted to you as having provided her with free “number and counting” therapy by virtue of the Chu-Chu TV training video “1 to 10” was really quite generous of you. Hey, I learned something from the video myself.
Or, David reflected, perhaps it is just President Lisa’s memory that is suspect…he noted that Ed shared with him that she hides her own Easter eggs. Or could it be her eyesight?...well, the over-sized Rotary coin should help with that, certainly J. And it also could be that sometimes President Lisa just simply misspeaks, as when she explained to a past Club presenter that Lansing Rotary would be donating “water” – yes, just simply “water,” not “clean water” and not “money for a clean water project” – on his behalf. And….”Mickey” Hirten surely forgives our President Lisa for her slight and occasional transgressions. Or (as David slowly extracted bottles of booze from President Lisa’s purse), could it be that her faux pas in earlier having labeled guest jazz performer Rodney Page’s music as “cocktail” music belies something much more disturbing?
Well, almost done…but now is the time for those who are easily offended to stop reading this report. As if “Ho” and the association with the term “prostitute” wasn’t enough, you will certainly agree that David pulled out all the stops when he unwrapped the rather dubious “cover” that is supposedly President Lisa’s business website. According to our esteemed fellow Rotarian David Marvin, the name change from the old Spoke-8 Marketing, Inc. to the new InVerve Marketing, Inc. is actually a cover for President Lisa’s (a/k/a InVerve President Lisa Smith) personal and explicit InVerve Marketing & Web site. My, my, David, have you no mercy? David claims that his malware initially blocked the site, but after having one of his firm’s techie associates bypass the block all became clear J. David made other references to group and regional “hugs” that President Lisa promoted on her site, and of personal photos and further indications that finding one’s “HUB”-spot is made possible through site access.
Truth be told, we Lansing Rotarians have nothing but love and affection for our President Lisa. It is often said that “All is fair in Love and War,” and this was clearly an act of love … for who else would stoop so low or reach so deep in order to draw so much attention to our soon-to-be past President Lisa as did this truly wonderful Triumvirate of Roasting Glory – well done, David, Steve and Kelly.
David ended poignantly by showing his true colors in congratulating President Lisa on a year of great leadership, and with the help of President-Elect Jack Davis, congratulated her on her superb guidance of the Rotary Club of Lansing through the major Centennial Celebration project and book publishing along with her brilliant handling of the weekly speakers and presenters. President-elect Jack followed up by presenting President Lisa with a beautiful set of earrings from Rotary International, and thus ending this wonderful Lansing Rotary tradition of honoring the outgoing President. It's all about the love and respect, isn't it?
Recovering from the affair of the past hour, President Lisa took the podium to announce a Club donation of $1,000 toward Rotary’s Bio-Sand Filter Project for pure water in the Dominican Republic and Haiti. And then, another quick reminder to RSVP Cathy for next week’s evening Centennial Celebration at the Lansing Center, 6pm, be there or be square. The meeting was adjourned at 1:34pm, and we were off to enjoy the remainder of our Friday in anticipation of a sunny weekend to come.
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